The Letter

So I did it. I sent the letter. I spent all week writing letters to him and throwing them away. I finally just sent one. Contents of said letter? I let him know that he has been unfair to me with his behavior, not telling me he loved me, withholding communication, laying about us being broken up, having me lie to everyone about why he was gone. It was unfair of him to do that and then even more unfair to start loving me again once he realized he has no one else because he is in jail. I also let him know that that he needs to figure things out on what he is going to do once released, and that there are certain things that if he chooses I am done.

My heart was racing as I dropped that letter in the mailbox. It needed to be done though. My mental health has to come first if I am going to be any good for my daughters.

I am going to see him today and I am sure we will have our normal this is what has been going on conversation based largely around what Monkey has been doing. And again I am the only one going up there, his family is not having it. They stopped going the last time, so it really is just me.

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This was me yesterday. I can already see a difference in my appearance, not to mention how I feel. I actually wanted to get out of my pajamas and do my hair and add a bit of color to my face. I have started working out as well and wow do I feel good.

May 4th

I don’t know how to feel right now. I when he went to jail I was expecting at least 3 months of recovery time for me. He was then sentenced to only 64 days. I was adjusting to that when I find out that his release date is May 4th. That’s not even 2 months, closer to 45 days. I should be happy that he is getting out so soon, but I really need the time with him in there to repair myself. There was so much damage done in past month to me and our relationship that I just don’t know how to be happy about it.

The day he got arrested I we were laying on the couch and I just started crying because I get like we were over and I am not ready for that. So what happens now that I don’t have time to regain my confidence and my happy. I don’t want to write him another “our relationship is crap letter and you need to figure your stuff out” letter. It looks like I am going to have to do that though, because I am honestly at a place where I know things can’t continue as they were.

3 a.m.

I made it past the 3 a.m. wake up. For the last few weeks I had been waking around 3 in the morning trying to reach out to him, with no luck. For the past few weeks I have played on my couch curled up in a ball sobbing and holding my chest because it hurt too much. I hurt to much to be ignored by him. Not knowing what was going on and only assuming the very worst. I made it past all that today. It’s sad that I am always fine when he is in jail.

He got tired of my harping on him about his drinking so he abandoned us two months ago, we didn’t break up he just removed himself from our home and started living over an hour away. Drinking to his hearts content. In that two months he decided he wanted to marry me but the last month he changed his mind and wouldn’t even tell he loves me. I still don’t know what I did wrong.

But oh how different it is now that he is in jail. He remembers that I am the only one he truly has now that he is there and is back to telling me that he loves me. Funny how that works. Everyone wants to spend time with him and talk to him when he is out and drinking but no one wants to spend time with him when he is sober or helping him out when he has thrown up all over himself. Just me. No letters from those so called best friends that are like family. But he will get out and forget that I was there and they were not.

Small steps

I’m not going to sit here and bad talk my boyfriend, because yes we are still together after everything, even knowing he is no good for me. I love him and he needs help but for the time being I am going to focus on me. He’s currently sitting in jail for at least 3 months and in that time I am going to try to recover my mental health. I honestly don’t care if anyone reads this, I am doing this more for me so I can see the changes in my mental and physical health. Maybe then it will finally sink in and I will be able to move on from my addiction of him.

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So this is me today. Beautiful, right? I do need to add that I work third shift and I just ended a 60 hour week, but not so great looking and trust me when I say I have looked and felt better.

Well here goes nothing, day 1 of regaining my sanity. Wish me luck.