Is it wrong of me to still want to be with him? Does it make me dumb? I went through his phone, I shouldn’t have but I did. He straight out lied about us. These females, whom I don’t blame, they all believe him. They ask him straight out “aren’t you with… ” and he said no every time. It hurts. One of them he told yes to but then followed up with he has “freedom to do whatever ” like I am OK with him fucking around. It hurts so bad. I know it’s never going to stop. But I can’t let him go, even after all this. I’m so stupid. Why can’t I just let him go. Have his stuff packed when he gets out and tell him he is not my problem anymore. I don’t care if he doesn’t have anywhere else to go he can fuck whores for a place to sleep. But I can’t.
He’s not telling things I want to hear, other than I love you, while he is in jail. He never says sorry or he won’t do it again. Maybe that is good because I know he will continue and he is never sorry. Not sorry he got caught and not sorry he did it. With all this social media out there how can these poor girls not know.? I mean it’s right there on facebook, why don’t they ask why it still says we are together? Oh and his pretty little words all things I have never gotten. I am broken and mess right now.
It’s Sunday which means today is the day I go and see him, a 30 minute drive there and back all for just 30 minutes to talk to him on a phone through glass. Me doing most of the talking since his days are all the same. But only 2 more after today. I dislike visiting so very much. I had to visit my mother when I was child and it brings up so many bad memories. Plus it’s Sunday I have to go back to work tonight and it’s the middle of the day I could be sleeping. Or better yet napping in the sun because the weather is beautiful. But I go and I don’t complain and I make sure I look good and plaster a smile on my face. I have to go no one else will. As long as he knows he has me, dangerous thinking because once he gets out it won’t be good (not for long anyway) I keep trying to decide if I am even going to let him Come Home. I know I will but the thought of not letting him does cross my mind. I love him to pieces but I shouldn’t be unpainted all the time and right now I am happy. So very, truly, genuinely happy.
This was yesterday, the smile reached my eyes, hasn’t happened in a long time.
I love being Mom and my daughters make it very easy. Yes, they have their moments but I really lucked out with them. It’s weeks though, like this past one that make being Mom and dad very difficult. Both girls were sick and by the end of the week so was I. But being mom, I sucked it up and ignored healing me. I was thinking today how different it would have been if he had been home. I really don’t think it would have been any different. He would have been good in the afternoons when his hangover vanished then gone by evening.
I was going to discuss my friends, or current lack of, but something happened this morning. Now I’m not normally one to believe in the supernatural world but this was a bit much.
I was in the place between sleep and awake this morning listening to my two-year-old babble away. She kept giggling and saying “Brenna”, I was enjoying listening to her trying to get myself to fully wake up. All of a sudden it felt as if someone was holding my hand, I couldn’t move. I heard, not from my daughter, “He needs you honey, don’t give up on him yet. I am so happy he found you. Thank you for giving him that beautiful little girl, you two are keeping him alive. Tell him I love him and take care of yourself and that baby.” It felt like I got a kiss on my forehead and then nothing. The baby giggled again and said “bye Brenna” I shot straight out of bed and went to her room she was waving at the window and smiling.
I have been thinking on this all morning, thinking I should be scared or uncomfortable about this but there is a calmness that is surrounding me. I just keep thinking. I looked down at my hand this morning playing with my bubble gum ring that he got me and realized the date, April 3rd, I have had this ring for a year today. That also means it is his deceased Aunt Brenda’s birthday. As this realization hits me I get goosebumps all over. Was it her talking to me this morning, was it her playing with the baby this morning? If so how long has she watching us? Is she the spirit that baby always talks to in the corner? Do I trust what I heard and felt?
The timing is all too strange.
This ring, it isn’t much but it means the world to me. A year ago today we were at the bowling alley celebrating his aunt that help raised him. I never had the pleasure of meeting her she died less than a year before I met him. He told me he would be back and disappeared for a while. When he came back he had $5 worth of quarter rings from one of those bubblegum machines. He said one of these has to fit your tiny finger. There were two that fit this one and one that was so awful looking it was hilarious. He gave the rest of the rings to a bunch a little girls that were having a birthday party. I have not taken this ring off since. I will probably keep it on until he finds one to replace it, everyone points out how faded it is but I don’t care.