It’s been 4 days since I found the strength to break things off with him. 4 LONG days.
I made it through the first two fairly ok.
When I got out of work yesterday I had a voice mail from him asking to talk and he sounded sad. So of course I decided to talk. I picked him up and we drove around talking. Went for a walk in the woods and talked some more. I cried, I realized I am never going to get answers. He of course was fine. Holding on to the knowledge of what i want to know gives him power.
I work third shift so I nap before work. He was texting and calling the whole time. He wanted to see me before work. I couldn’t do it. I get to work and he asks me if I had “gone into work yet?” I told him no. Next thing I know he is banging on my car window to let him in. I had to. Well, I FELT like I had to. He asked for a ride somewhere and I did it, mostly because I wouldn’t put it past him to slash my tires if I didnt. But a small bit of me was thinking “he still needs me” false hope. The same thing that kept me in that relationship for 5 years.
This morning he texts asking if I can pick him up because he couldn’t stay where he has been, just for today. I told him no, we fought. After waking up the fighting continued. Horrible things were said. I kept telling him how I felt being with him. And all he kept saying was “YOU’RE CRAZY” I even pointed out that I had never acted this way before him. Oh was that a bad idea. He threw at me, like a flaming bag of poo, that before him I was on anti depression medication. Being depressed and having anxiety do not make me crazy. Then I got told I was toxic. I lost it. In that moment he won. Because he got a rise out of me.
This is the man that brags about being a self diagnosed sociopath.
He’s an alcoholic.
I sat in my car for 30 minutes crying after I hung up on him. Before calling a friend and having her talk me down, just so I was able to pick up my child.
Maybe I might be crazy. Crazy for loving him. Crazy for always having hope. Crazy for thinking that he would compliment me one day instead of insulting. Crazy for thinking he ACTUALLY cared about me. Crazy for believing in him all the time.