I was able to finally break down this week. The only problem it started right before work and I couldn’t stop.
It helped that we only talked 3 times. I have no way of contacting him so it’s him making the contact. Of course it’s to ask for something but he’s making contact. I’m not holding my breath anymore on him actually showing me he cares. I get it he just needs to keep me holding on just enough so I will continue to do things for him. He also has this he doesn’t want me but he doesn’t want anyone else to have me mentality.
It can’t work this way.
Now that we are no longer together he managed to get a job. But not just any job, one that pays under the table so there goes child support… I just want help paying for day care.
I have moved past angry to perpetual sadness.
He hasn’t asked about his daughter all week, he is fine not having us in his life, he will end up happy and I will continue to struggle. I cared with every fiber of my being he cared for convenience.
It’s been over a week since I decided that I was worth more than what he gave me.
Over a week.
I am more confused every day.
How do I stop loving soneone that didn’t treat me like I was important to him? How do I stop?
This past week there has been ups and downs regarding him. Lately it has been ups.
I’m trying to figure out what game he is playing with me. He has been everything I had always wanted him to be. Attentive and caring. Communicates, that’s a big one.
The last thing he said to me last night is that I am an important person to him. Okay, how so?
Am I important because you care? Or is it just because I am the mother of your child?
He has told me he loves me and compliments me when ever he gets the chance.
Everything that was lacking is now there.
What game is he playing? Is he trying g to just keep me holding on to hope so no one else has the opportunity to gain my unfailing love? Or has he realized that I do have a breaking point and he needs to step up before he loses me for good?
It’s all so difficult to decipher.
I’m not going to make any rush decisions, I have don’t that before and it always leads back to the same thing. My heart and mind need serious healing time before I will be able to think things through clearly. As. Much as I want to believe he cares, I just can’t. I want to believe he cares, but I can’t.
It’s been a over a year. I haven’t wrote on here because I didn’t want him to find it. He wouldn’t understand.
So much has happened since. He got, and lost, 3 jobs. Drinking was more important. We lost our home in November, my fault because I put his wants before my responsibilities. In February my sister and her family was in a very bad apartment fire, she was 6 months pregnant. Two months later everyone is okay still healing but all at home. In March we lost the other place we were staying at through no fault of our own. We had been staying at separate places because we couldn’t find a place for the four of us. Through all of this I was being harassed by his mother and trying my best to just stay strong.
In November he also proposed. It was completely spontaneous. He cried, I laughed. I never thought it would happen.
Well here we are, not even 48 hours after I decided I have had enough. Enough of the lies, enough of never feeling good enough, enough of never being the only one. I am just done.
I haven’t really cried yet. Maybe I will, maybe I won’t. I did get a little teary when I dropped him off for the last time and told him I wasn’t doing this because I don’t love him, because I do love him. But that’s all the emotion I have shown.
I am angry. Angry with him for being perfectly fine at the end of a 5 year relationship. Angry with him for moving on so fast, don’t know why I am surprised he had other females while we were together. Mostly, I am angry with myself. For caring so much, so holding on for so long, for not letting go many times before. I am angry with myself for letting him take so much of me away from me. I let this happen to me and I am angry at myself for that.
I hope I don’t cry, lord knows I have cried enough over this man.
So here it is, Day 2 of the end, my beginning.
So he’s been out and home for over a week and a half and things are as predicted. Things with is are so far good but he did just spend the past 4 days drunk. One of those days he left and I knew he wasn’t going to be back before I went to work. I had to call in and I don’t have enough many call in days left. He does this to punish me but doesn’t think about how it affects the rest of the family (including him). I’m just taking it all one day at a time. But things are good(ish) for now.
So it’s his freedom day and immediately he has to deal with a crisis, or better put welcome out now time to be a parent. Our daughter is currently in the ER, she has high fever and won’t eat or drink. This has been going on for a few days, her doctor gave her antibiotics for strep throat but they aren’t working. I’m stuck at work for the next 2 hours so he has to be dad when he gets released, 30 minutes left. Let’s see how he does, he has never had to do one of these, deal with a sick child let alone a hospital visit.
Plus side to all of this I didn’t ever think about him when I was on the phone with his mom, it was all about the daughter. 3 months ago my first question would have been who’s going to get him if you are there.
Please send positive vibes for the little one.
He gets out on Wednesday. I have to say I am excited that he is coming home. I was experiencing high anxiety but after a long talk at our visit yesterday the anxiety is gone. I told him so much of how I want things to be and how I don’t want them to be. He agreed with all of it. Now I know it may not last but at least for now we are on the same page.