I was able to finally break down this week. The only problem it started right before work and I couldn’t stop.
It helped that we only talked 3 times. I have no way of contacting him so it’s him making the contact. Of course it’s to ask for something but he’s making contact. I’m not holding my breath anymore on him actually showing me he cares. I get it he just needs to keep me holding on just enough so I will continue to do things for him. He also has this he doesn’t want me but he doesn’t want anyone else to have me mentality.
It can’t work this way.
Now that we are no longer together he managed to get a job. But not just any job, one that pays under the table so there goes child support… I just want help paying for day care.
I have moved past angry to perpetual sadness.
He hasn’t asked about his daughter all week, he is fine not having us in his life, he will end up happy and I will continue to struggle. I cared with every fiber of my being he cared for convenience.
It’s been over a week since I decided that I was worth more than what he gave me.
Over a week.
I am more confused every day.
How do I stop loving soneone that didn’t treat me like I was important to him? How do I stop?
This past week there has been ups and downs regarding him. Lately it has been ups.
I’m trying to figure out what game he is playing with me. He has been everything I had always wanted him to be. Attentive and caring. Communicates, that’s a big one.
The last thing he said to me last night is that I am an important person to him. Okay, how so?
Am I important because you care? Or is it just because I am the mother of your child?
He has told me he loves me and compliments me when ever he gets the chance.
Everything that was lacking is now there.
What game is he playing? Is he trying g to just keep me holding on to hope so no one else has the opportunity to gain my unfailing love? Or has he realized that I do have a breaking point and he needs to step up before he loses me for good?
It’s all so difficult to decipher.
I’m not going to make any rush decisions, I have don’t that before and it always leads back to the same thing. My heart and mind need serious healing time before I will be able to think things through clearly. As. Much as I want to believe he cares, I just can’t. I want to believe he cares, but I can’t.
It’s been 4 days since I found the strength to break things off with him. 4 LONG days.
I made it through the first two fairly ok.
When I got out of work yesterday I had a voice mail from him asking to talk and he sounded sad. So of course I decided to talk. I picked him up and we drove around talking. Went for a walk in the woods and talked some more. I cried, I realized I am never going to get answers. He of course was fine. Holding on to the knowledge of what i want to know gives him power.
I work third shift so I nap before work. He was texting and calling the whole time. He wanted to see me before work. I couldn’t do it. I get to work and he asks me if I had “gone into work yet?” I told him no. Next thing I know he is banging on my car window to let him in. I had to. Well, I FELT like I had to. He asked for a ride somewhere and I did it, mostly because I wouldn’t put it past him to slash my tires if I didnt. But a small bit of me was thinking “he still needs me” false hope. The same thing that kept me in that relationship for 5 years.
This morning he texts asking if I can pick him up because he couldn’t stay where he has been, just for today. I told him no, we fought. After waking up the fighting continued. Horrible things were said. I kept telling him how I felt being with him. And all he kept saying was “YOU’RE CRAZY” I even pointed out that I had never acted this way before him. Oh was that a bad idea. He threw at me, like a flaming bag of poo, that before him I was on anti depression medication. Being depressed and having anxiety do not make me crazy. Then I got told I was toxic. I lost it. In that moment he won. Because he got a rise out of me.
This is the man that brags about being a self diagnosed sociopath.
He’s an alcoholic.
I sat in my car for 30 minutes crying after I hung up on him. Before calling a friend and having her talk me down, just so I was able to pick up my child.
Maybe I might be crazy. Crazy for loving him. Crazy for always having hope. Crazy for thinking that he would compliment me one day instead of insulting. Crazy for thinking he ACTUALLY cared about me. Crazy for believing in him all the time.
Or maybe I am just a good person with a big heart, and loving the wrong kind of man took something away from me.
It’s been a over a year. I haven’t wrote on here because I didn’t want him to find it. He wouldn’t understand.
So much has happened since. He got, and lost, 3 jobs. Drinking was more important. We lost our home in November, my fault because I put his wants before my responsibilities. In February my sister and her family was in a very bad apartment fire, she was 6 months pregnant. Two months later everyone is okay still healing but all at home. In March we lost the other place we were staying at through no fault of our own. We had been staying at separate places because we couldn’t find a place for the four of us. Through all of this I was being harassed by his mother and trying my best to just stay strong.
In November he also proposed. It was completely spontaneous. He cried, I laughed. I never thought it would happen.
Well here we are, not even 48 hours after I decided I have had enough. Enough of the lies, enough of never feeling good enough, enough of never being the only one. I am just done.
I haven’t really cried yet. Maybe I will, maybe I won’t. I did get a little teary when I dropped him off for the last time and told him I wasn’t doing this because I don’t love him, because I do love him. But that’s all the emotion I have shown.
I am angry. Angry with him for being perfectly fine at the end of a 5 year relationship. Angry with him for moving on so fast, don’t know why I am surprised he had other females while we were together. Mostly, I am angry with myself. For caring so much, so holding on for so long, for not letting go many times before. I am angry with myself for letting him take so much of me away from me. I let this happen to me and I am angry at myself for that.
I hope I don’t cry, lord knows I have cried enough over this man.
So here it is, Day 2 of the end, my beginning.