Is it wrong of me to still want to be with him? Does it make me dumb? I went through his phone, I shouldn’t have but I did. He straight out lied about us. These females, whom I don’t blame, they all believe him. They ask him straight out “aren’t you with… ” and he said no every time. It hurts. One of them he told yes to but then followed up with he has “freedom to do whatever ” like I am OK with him fucking around. It hurts so bad. I know it’s never going to stop. But I can’t let him go, even after all this. I’m so stupid. Why can’t I just let him go. Have his stuff packed when he gets out and tell him he is not my problem anymore. I don’t care if he doesn’t have anywhere else to go he can fuck whores for a place to sleep. But I can’t.
He’s not telling things I want to hear, other than I love you, while he is in jail. He never says sorry or he won’t do it again. Maybe that is good because I know he will continue and he is never sorry. Not sorry he got caught and not sorry he did it. With all this social media out there how can these poor girls not know.? I mean it’s right there on facebook, why don’t they ask why it still says we are together? Oh and his pretty little words all things I have never gotten. I am broken and mess right now.
It’s Sunday which means today is the day I go and see him, a 30 minute drive there and back all for just 30 minutes to talk to him on a phone through glass. Me doing most of the talking since his days are all the same. But only 2 more after today. I dislike visiting so very much. I had to visit my mother when I was child and it brings up so many bad memories. Plus it’s Sunday I have to go back to work tonight and it’s the middle of the day I could be sleeping. Or better yet napping in the sun because the weather is beautiful. But I go and I don’t complain and I make sure I look good and plaster a smile on my face. I have to go no one else will. As long as he knows he has me, dangerous thinking because once he gets out it won’t be good (not for long anyway) I keep trying to decide if I am even going to let him Come Home. I know I will but the thought of not letting him does cross my mind. I love him to pieces but I shouldn’t be unpainted all the time and right now I am happy. So very, truly, genuinely happy.
This was yesterday, the smile reached my eyes, hasn’t happened in a long time.
I love being Mom and my daughters make it very easy. Yes, they have their moments but I really lucked out with them. It’s weeks though, like this past one that make being Mom and dad very difficult. Both girls were sick and by the end of the week so was I. But being mom, I sucked it up and ignored healing me. I was thinking today how different it would have been if he had been home. I really don’t think it would have been any different. He would have been good in the afternoons when his hangover vanished then gone by evening.
I was going to discuss my friends, or current lack of, but something happened this morning. Now I’m not normally one to believe in the supernatural world but this was a bit much.
I was in the place between sleep and awake this morning listening to my two-year-old babble away. She kept giggling and saying “Brenna”, I was enjoying listening to her trying to get myself to fully wake up. All of a sudden it felt as if someone was holding my hand, I couldn’t move. I heard, not from my daughter, “He needs you honey, don’t give up on him yet. I am so happy he found you. Thank you for giving him that beautiful little girl, you two are keeping him alive. Tell him I love him and take care of yourself and that baby.” It felt like I got a kiss on my forehead and then nothing. The baby giggled again and said “bye Brenna” I shot straight out of bed and went to her room she was waving at the window and smiling.
I have been thinking on this all morning, thinking I should be scared or uncomfortable about this but there is a calmness that is surrounding me. I just keep thinking. I looked down at my hand this morning playing with my bubble gum ring that he got me and realized the date, April 3rd, I have had this ring for a year today. That also means it is his deceased Aunt Brenda’s birthday. As this realization hits me I get goosebumps all over. Was it her talking to me this morning, was it her playing with the baby this morning? If so how long has she watching us? Is she the spirit that baby always talks to in the corner? Do I trust what I heard and felt?
The timing is all too strange.
This ring, it isn’t much but it means the world to me. A year ago today we were at the bowling alley celebrating his aunt that help raised him. I never had the pleasure of meeting her she died less than a year before I met him. He told me he would be back and disappeared for a while. When he came back he had $5 worth of quarter rings from one of those bubblegum machines. He said one of these has to fit your tiny finger. There were two that fit this one and one that was so awful looking it was hilarious. He gave the rest of the rings to a bunch a little girls that were having a birthday party. I have not taken this ring off since. I will probably keep it on until he finds one to replace it, everyone points out how faded it is but I don’t care.
So I did it. I sent the letter. I spent all week writing letters to him and throwing them away. I finally just sent one. Contents of said letter? I let him know that he has been unfair to me with his behavior, not telling me he loved me, withholding communication, laying about us being broken up, having me lie to everyone about why he was gone. It was unfair of him to do that and then even more unfair to start loving me again once he realized he has no one else because he is in jail. I also let him know that that he needs to figure things out on what he is going to do once released, and that there are certain things that if he chooses I am done.
My heart was racing as I dropped that letter in the mailbox. It needed to be done though. My mental health has to come first if I am going to be any good for my daughters.
I am going to see him today and I am sure we will have our normal this is what has been going on conversation based largely around what Monkey has been doing. And again I am the only one going up there, his family is not having it. They stopped going the last time, so it really is just me.
This was me yesterday. I can already see a difference in my appearance, not to mention how I feel. I actually wanted to get out of my pajamas and do my hair and add a bit of color to my face. I have started working out as well and wow do I feel good.
I don’t know how to feel right now. I when he went to jail I was expecting at least 3 months of recovery time for me. He was then sentenced to only 64 days. I was adjusting to that when I find out that his release date is May 4th. That’s not even 2 months, closer to 45 days. I should be happy that he is getting out so soon, but I really need the time with him in there to repair myself. There was so much damage done in past month to me and our relationship that I just don’t know how to be happy about it.
The day he got arrested I we were laying on the couch and I just started crying because I get like we were over and I am not ready for that. So what happens now that I don’t have time to regain my confidence and my happy. I don’t want to write him another “our relationship is crap letter and you need to figure your stuff out” letter. It looks like I am going to have to do that though, because I am honestly at a place where I know things can’t continue as they were.
I made it past the 3 a.m. wake up. For the last few weeks I had been waking around 3 in the morning trying to reach out to him, with no luck. For the past few weeks I have played on my couch curled up in a ball sobbing and holding my chest because it hurt too much. I hurt to much to be ignored by him. Not knowing what was going on and only assuming the very worst. I made it past all that today. It’s sad that I am always fine when he is in jail.
He got tired of my harping on him about his drinking so he abandoned us two months ago, we didn’t break up he just removed himself from our home and started living over an hour away. Drinking to his hearts content. In that two months he decided he wanted to marry me but the last month he changed his mind and wouldn’t even tell he loves me. I still don’t know what I did wrong.
But oh how different it is now that he is in jail. He remembers that I am the only one he truly has now that he is there and is back to telling me that he loves me. Funny how that works. Everyone wants to spend time with him and talk to him when he is out and drinking but no one wants to spend time with him when he is sober or helping him out when he has thrown up all over himself. Just me. No letters from those so called best friends that are like family. But he will get out and forget that I was there and they were not.